Lonliest Girl In NorCal

So many faces... Even more are the voices; each vying for my attention, yet it seems I am often the loneliest girl in NorCal. The kind of lonely that echoes even when I'm in a room filled with laughing spirits and dancing souls. The kind of lonely that lingers under my thoughts, while in mid conversation with a good friend. The kind of lonely that flows through my body, as I dance in my own lil space in the corner of the club; casting off the smooth glances from others, letting their pointing comments roll off my back like that of raindrops on a bird's feathers. The kind of lonely that makes every compliment handed to my ears, sound complacent and fake, pale, almost see-through.
Even when genuine feelings are displayed, I feel like a mother shaking her head to the knowing of what's best, coupled with advice; persuading this person to check their own place within their vision of truth. Maybe it is, I, who is out of place?? Or so, that is what sifts through my set of inadequacies within, before I dismiss yet another advance from the opposite sex. A person as loving and understanding as myself, starts to stare at the image created within and wonder "whats wrong with me?" Do I believe I am somehow better than the generous souls, approaching my lonely shell, only to find me empty and unavailable??
Many times, I am grateful for the ability to cast such a shadow upon the other goddesses in the room-on the regular, and to not fall into the care of what another may think of me. Other times, the term "PRUDE" ricochets off of my inner reflections; before being dismissed as a self-loathing thought, known to be a lie. Why should I settle for something unquenching and under satisfying; when I have so diligently, woven such fine threads of gold, intertwined and bound, with my ideas on the material needed to create a strong, independent woman?? Are these conceited veins which flow through my earthly vessel? Or simply common sense, that few are worthy and and even less are deserving of my warmth and reality? All the while, I continue to sleep alone in a seemingly forlorn existence....
the loneliest girl in NorCal.